Tuesday, December 16, 2008


As the Holiday Season draws near our supermarkets have an abundance of turkeys ready for sale. Yearly I love to position myself near the turkey display cases, and listen to the ladies debate, handle, caress, inspect, and analyze the selection of their festive bird.

Normally, I get to participate in this event at least twice each year, first just before Thanksgiving and again near Christmas. Surprisingly my dear wife is becoming increasingly concerned that my actions will be misunderstood. I wonder why? Hell at my advanced age I am no longer a threat or danger to a flea. Here is a summary of my modus operandi.

As I said, ladies take a considerable amount of time selecting their turkey and I usually hover nearby observing their period of scrutiny. Once they select a bird, I step forward and politely ask the lady if the turkey they selected is really big enough. I have said; “Excuse me madam, do you like leftovers? Don’t you think you may need a little larger turkey, because you surely do not want to run short?

It is amazing to see the immediate reaction of the ladies, because they almost always agree with my suggestion that a larger bird is the prudent course of action. I would say that about 80% of these lovely ladies replace their original selection with a much larger turkey. No one ever gets mad or questions my actions, and everyone leaves smiling with a nice holiday glow. Thus far no one has whacked your Commander with a purse.

The 20% who keep their original selection do frequently give me a strange look and move off quickly. I just consider them to be anti-social, cheap, old blue haired beaters. Obviously they do not have the holiday spirit.

Once the manager of the meat department observed by actions, and offered me a job during the Thanksgiving and Christmas season. I politely declined, and suggested that I love my retirement, but do enjoy bringing a smile to the faces of the holiday shoppers.

When you select your turkey this year please make sure that you get one that is big enough to have those delicious leftovers. Additionally your selection of a bigger bird will be a nice little boost for the lousy economy.


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