HUMOROUS QUOTES

With all the turmoil in the world today we all need a little humor to brighten the day. Why not take a few minutes and relax with the following humorous quotations that I received by e-mail from Texas:

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin’.”

-Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)

“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall’.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen, I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

-Mark Twain

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

-George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”

-Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

-Mark Twain

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

-Socrates

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

-Groucho Marx

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

-Jimmy Durante

“I have never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.”

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups; alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”

-Alex Levine

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

“Money can’t buy you happiness…But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

-Spike Milligan

“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.”

-Joe Namath

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

-Bob Hope

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

-W.C. Fields

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”

-Will Rogers

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”

-Winston Churchill

“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

-Phyllis Diller

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

-Billy Crystal

“And the cardiologist’s diet; if it tastes good spit it out.”

-Author Unknown

Now doesn’t that make the day a little brighter?

COMMANDER GRANGER